Why this happens?

I'm confused.

Sometimes I feel nothing but pain.

I have a good life. Or so it seems.

But I feel as if I don't deserve it.

I don't know what happens. I just have these moments of despair, where my heart does nothing but yearn for the slightest bit attention.

That's when I get myself in trouble.

For as long as I can remember, I have focused on the negative attention in my life, and I dwell on it. My brain works on the notion that any attention is good, whether it be hearing I love you and I miss you from my daddy, or my boyfriend getting mad at me for something stupid I've said.

I know deep down that I'm a good person. But sometimes I can't help but think that I'm not good enough, and I don't deserve good things, and I don't deserve the love and positive attention that I get on a daily basis,

That's when I fall into this depression. Where I say things sub-consciously to get attention. I tell people that I think I'm not good enough just to hear them say I am.

The problem that lies in that path is people tend to get very angry with me. Because they know I'm good enough and deep down I know it too, sometimes I just need to hear it.

I need to learn to be the girl that can be happy even though she's sad.

Marylin Monroe said it perfect.

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - M.M.

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." - M.M.

Update? What?

Ha Ha

Here I am... back in cincy... didnt blog at all this summer

too busy working 2 jobs. working 7 days a week ugh... shoot me

it was a great great summer though

i got back to my roots where i need to be. able to have my daddy take care of me for awhile and fix my broken heart

and i met someone... he's super awesome. very sweet to me, understanding, and cute ;)

i worked at motel 6 which is where i met matt. i did housekeeping there. i also worked in a kitchen at a nursing home. that i must say is some of the hardest work i've ever done in my entire life and i hope that i never have to go through it ever again but i certainly learned alot

i changed alot this summer. learned to love myself a little bit more. which is always good. and kinda brought down the huge brick and steel walls that i built around my heart.

i met some other great people this summer. scott and lisa bailey and their amazing children shelley alysa bryce and dustin they are life savers.

i got to spend an enormous amount of time with my neice. erin michelle wolfe. just the best 4 yr old i've ever encountered in my entire life. being back here in cincinati for bit now i miss her most.

as for matt.... he's a great guy. lol i dont know what else to say i love talking to him he knows exactly how to make me smile and blush but he has also found some of my annoyed buttons and i think he pushes those buttons to amuse himself... not good... not this early in the game... haha i could see things going places with him i just have to open up....

yeah good luck with that... me? opening up to someone? HA! but we'll see what happens

oh... one story i almost forgot about

my mother....

her house caught fire this summer. they are getting it re-built with insurance money. it was one of the scariest days of my life.

i do want to thank all of the people that had any part of my summer being good... lauri bolton she's like a mother to me. the baileys they were alot of fun. dave and steph harpst. randy and marla my dad especially kim my step mom she's great and i take almost.... almost everything she says to heart i really look up to her she's a great woman. i'm sure there are tons of other people im forgetting to mention in this note like my sister haha i love her she's my sister and we annoy each other but i sure do love that girl and only hope the best for her and my neice shandy sean and evan the list could keep going for hours so i'll stop now...

k going to bed have to do school stuff in the morning. oh what fun

good night world..... and all of my millions of fans that will read this :D love u alll....

FO SHO

i'll be waiting for an answer....

sittin here studying astronomy... DEPRESSING... listening to secondhand serenade songs... DEPRESSING... that remind me of my ex... DEPRESSING.... ugh

sometimes i just wanna know why its so hard to NOT think of someone.

why they wont leave your head just for 1 DAY.

good thoughts and bad thoughts but they are still there...

always determining WHAT you do WHEN you do it and WHY you do it.

im in school in that depressing class because he PUSHED me to be there he showed me that i am so much BETTER than him and i will be a GREAT URBAN PLANNER some day and he showed me that by cheating on me and forcing me to BREAK DOWN my comfort walls i had built up around my life...

there is this song that secondhand serenade performs called goodbye... i find it to be perfect for how i'm feeling right now

he says he's sorry and then blames himself for the mistakes... but it doesnt matter cause no matter whose fault it was he cant breathe even though he knows they are better off apart

he realizes that everything they had been through was a lie that made him learn to hate her for doing it and himself for letting it happen or letting it get that far

and then... there is.... 40 seconds of music that starts off real soft and gets stronger and stronger and then for another 30 seconds they are just rocking out.... then he asks her to take his pain away because he wants to believe he's wrong even though he's not

that small instrumental break to me represents the stages of break up that i went through. the first very quiet part the mourning and as it gets louder i was becoming more attuned to my situation and accepting of it. then the rocking out is the part that i finally realized i didnt need him and can function completely on my own with out him. but now i'm in the stage of asking him to take my pain away because i dont want to be right about things i have realized and have stepped back and seen what i have done and the pain i caused other people great or minimal its still pain

he's not worth my tears.

but then if a guy is worth your tears... i'm guessing he wouldnt make you cry

and if he did... he would do anything in his power to make it better and make those tears go away

people say i live in a dream

and sometimes i think i do

i'm here waiting 4 my prince charming... studying astronomy

cause i've done enough chasing and courting its time for a guy to treat me right

time for a guy to sweep me off my feet totally and completely

but i'll keep dreaming... cause from time to time it makes me happy and makes me smile... even if its only a dream....

Been awhile... got a good story for ya...

i'm sitting here playng on facebook and i watched a video that my dad posted of my niece saying that obama sucks. it was so adorable... THEN gammy kicks in her little 2 cents..... she said....

gammy: "he shouldnt teach her that stuff"
Me:"why gammy?"
gammy: "beause she could get beat up"
me: "GAMMY SHES THREEEE!!!!"
gammy: "well when she goes to school"
me: "i doubt three yr olds are going to 'beat each other up'"
gammy: "no they do!"
me: "uhhh i dont think so"
gammy: "well they have older brothers and sisters"
me: and they are going to beat up a 3 yr old
gammy: YES
me: i dont think so gammy where have you seen this
gammy: on the news!!! they get killed!!!
me: wut? news in gammy world?!?

ok maybe i was a little mean but i'm pms-ing so i kinda speak my mind haha aint that some shit though.... dad please dont teach erin michelle anything else bad i dont want her to get killed by someone other 3yr olds older brother or sister!

Its hard to live with her

I live with my best friends grandma... we call her Gammy. I love gammy dearly she is a great joy to be around most of the time she takes care of me feeds me makes sure i'm up for work. But sometimes i really just dont understand where she gets what she says. Like for instance today I was reading off a status update my dad posted on facebook. it said "mike misses his youngest, do what you gotta do" and i read it to her because i thought it was sweet and showed that he missed me and loves me but understands that i cant be coming home all the time to see him or whatever and right after i read that she said "well that means you need to grow up" in this tone like i'm living in a fantasy world and i need to grow up and get away from my dad.

it really hurt my feelings because my dad is my life he is who i do everything i do for he is the one i'm trying to make proud in everything i do he is the one i miss the most out of every one in norwalk because he understands me.... he loves me no matter what i do but he always wants something better for me. and for her to just sit there and say that i need to grow up like i'm not already i've been living away from my entire family for 5 years. i miss them all so terribly. and because of this long distance relationship i have lost touch with alot of them and dont talk to alot of them anymore which is upsetting but the truth. her grand daughter who happens to be my best friend has never been away from her family. and she's told me that she could never do that she could never been this far away from her family for this long it would be too hard on her and her dad is to her like mine is to me. everything. so i think if i have a day where i really miss my daddy and wanna feel like he misses me too i dont think it should be a big deal.

gammy is a very emotionless person. she has her happy her sad her depressed her angry but alot of them she doesnt show. so then there's me who has TONS of emotion and i show every single one of them. if i'm angry you know if i'm sad you know if i'm depressed you know. and that makes her mad because she thinks that every time i'm angry or mad or depressed i shouldnt be. its human emotion i'm allowed to feel whatever way i would like to feel. she gets frustrated with me when i get into my lovey dovey moods and like to think that when i watch a romantic movie that someday things like that will happen to me. and she sits over in her little chair and just scowls at me and says that those things never happen and to not hold my breathe and whatever.

so then i get depressed and upset because i was up in such a high thinking life could get better from here and she just pulls me back down to what she thinks is reality but i dont think it is. i think that someday some guy will come sweep me off my feet and be the most romantic sweet loving guy i've ever met. yeah we will fight we will bicker... i mean i already know that i'm a moore its almost like i like to fight and bicker but it doesnt mean that the sweet stuff will never happen or the nice things will never get done for me

so i'm going to sit here on my throne and wait for that special guy because i know he is out there... just ask my daddy he'll tell ya! haha

anyways i'll stop ranting about gammy she's a great lady and i am glad that she's letting live here and feeding me and what not but she just needs to understand that i DO have a lot of mood swings that i cant control and if you've got me in a good mood you probably shouldnt say things like that to put me in a bad mood because now its all down hill from here for the rest of the day.... but i cant explain that to her because she will never understand...

HI! =)

Just doing an update. Ive been in norwalk since my last post and a lot has gone on... i especially miss bonnie and jj and tara and gammy but i love spending time up here... today is my daddys birthday he's 52 years young!!!

well i got an interview with UDF in milford on monday at 11am i am so excited about i really need to start working again to keep my bills paid! haha but i would love to have my job back at NOM so hopefully some day i do but if not i'm sure i'll find another great job somewhere that i loved just as much as that one

miss you all talk to you all soon

byes :)

**Raises Glass** Here's to my Luck

Well for the past 6 months my life has gone down the shitter.... not just once or twice but like four times! i keep picking myself up dusting off and tripping and falling all over again. 

It all started when my fiancee of 3 years decides he doesnt love me anymore and instead of being a man and coming and telling me this, he decides to be a D-Bag and cheat on me wait until i find out deny it for a couple days then come out and tell me everything and tell me that he's leaving me for her because she's divorcing her HUSBAND for him... thats right folks i said husband... she was married... but whatever... i was DEVASTED beyond belief because it was like a rug being pulled out from underneath me. I moved in with my friends grandma tried starting over and it took me until about Janurary 1st to really truely understand that we were over.

During this time in December my car started going to hell in a hand basket. It started with brakes $300 in cincy drove it to Norwalk had someone else look at it he finished the brake job and put on a new exhaust for $600.... thats $900 right there! mind you my car is only worth $1500! so then after the first of the year when i was back in cincinnati we started getting our month of snow we always get my i'm in rush hour when my car dies just shuts off and wont start again. took it to pep boys they said it was the battery they replaced it i got it back that night it died again. so i took it back to pepboys after 2 days of diagnostic and $200 later it was a broken wire... one simple little freaking $100 wire... bastard... and that happened just last week....

now are you ready for the Doosie?

I have been working for a real estate development company since april 2007 i love my job love the people i work with and if they paid me more i probably would've dropped out of college to work here the rest of my life. well during this wonderful economic depression our country is going through my company starts losing money and starts laying off people... 1st round goes by i'm safe 2nd round goes by i'm safe... 3rd times a charm right? thats right today Wednesday Feburary 11th 2009 i have officially been laid off from my first job ever at the wonderful age of 22 (almost 23!!! 18 more days)

so as i sit here pretending to work for my last few days i will probably be thinking of all the horrible things that are going on in my life get really depressed go to the bar after work drive home drunk and pass out... i'm kidding... really daddy i'm just kidding! haha but it will be a very somber 3 days and then friday after i leave this office for the last time with all of my possessions i will be driving to norwalk to see the people that mean the most to me... my family... i really need daddy megan time... it is the most theraputic time even more than time with friends or other family because my daddy he understands me he pushes me far enough so i understand he's serious and still cares but doesnt push me over the edge he has just the perfect hug or the perfect look to make me ball my eyes out (hence the new years eve incident) and i'll come back to cincinnati on either sunday or monday or maybe NEXT friday and i'll be refreshed and ready to start my challenge of finding a new job and getting ready to start school again at the end of march and ready to turn my bad luck BACK into good luck... 

so until then take care

i might post more the next few days... i'll be taking lost of pictures... cause thats what i do so i'll share... here's a few just for fun!!!